Pulling Adam. He's the hardest to say goodbye to, he's my baby, my first boy here, the one dearest to my heart, I AM Adam, but, it's for the best.

The wedding is in 2 days. I can't believe it's actually happening. It feelsl like yesterday that we were 15 and I saw him in the halls of Ukiah High. I never in a zillion years thought we'd be getting married. And that'd he would be the one to propose. And that'd we'd be getting married on Valentine's Day of all days. I mean, I could have been any chsier in setting the date? But still, this man is my everything and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life trying to make him a fraction of as happy as he makes me.

I love you David Marchand. More than life itself. I can't wait to be your husband.

Snow! There's snow everywhere here. Dave and I are in Alberta, Canada in this pretty nice cabin forthe holidays. Just us and our little baby, Kiwi. I haven't been around snow in forever, especially in time for Christmas. We're gonna have a white Christmas this year =D I'm very excited.

Ohh, I realized I never posted a picture of my engagement ring! I'm such a deadbeat.



Davey got both of our initials engraved on the inside. It's so goregeous.

And this is the one I got for Davey, I got our initials engraved inside for him as well:

Oh. My. God.

Davey proposed.

I don't... I don't know what to say.

I haven't updated in forever and a bit has happened since the last time I have. I started volunteering recently at Shaant's firehouse since Davey and Alex opened their coffee shop to give me something to do.

Plus, Davey proposed! He took me to Chimera Hill, this really fancy, romantic resturaunt whcih was wonderful, and then on the way home, we stopped by the park and by then, it was pretty late and we went by the lake. It was almost a full moon, and it was reflecting in the water and it beautiful. We stopped by the side of the lake and looked out at it for a while and Davey seemed really nervous about something, which got me pretty nervous, but finally, he turned to me and started talking, saying things about how he loved me and he always loved me, and how his love grew from friendship to what it was now. That I was his best friend, his lover, his everything. That I've always been there for him an he wanted me to always be there for him. Then he got on one knee and pulled out a little ring box and opened it and I just couldn't believe what was happening. He asked me to marry him. Just like that.

"Adam, would you marry me?"

I just blanked. At first, I couldn't even think of answering, everything seemed like a blur, but finally a switch inside of me just turned and I grabbd him by the arms, pulled him up so he was standing, and said 'yes', and kissed him so hard, that if he didn't hear me, he got his answer.

Oh man. I can't believe it.

I don't know what's wrong with me. What possessed me to attack him until he passed out? I don't know. I don't remember. I just wanted him to hurt. To feel the same pain I felt when Davey told me about the kiss. And the little asshole deserved to get his ass kicked, I don't know why I feel so bad about it. I guess it was watching some light escape his eyes as they slid closed and his body went limp in my arms and for a split second, I was afraid I had killed him.

That's quite possibly the scariest thing I've ever experienced. The feeling of possibly killing somebody? It made my stomach lurch and my heart plummet. I felt inhuman. I was this feral beast that wasn't satisfied until he'd destroyed the helpless creature in front of him. Jade didn't even fight back. Why did I keep kicking him if he didn't fight back? Why did I slam his head into the pavement if he didn't lift a finger to try and hit me back? Why wasn't the one punch enough?

I couldn't just leave him there, so I called Smith, told him to come get Jade, and hid. I watched until Smith drove up and found his brother, unconscious and bleeding on the pavement, because of me. Smith didn't see me, I didn't want him to, but I watched him call an ambulance and watched until he was taken away, and then I left.

When I came home and Davey asked what happened and I told him... the look on his face and the anger in his voice... I felt awful. He asked if I wanted him to stop Blaqk Audio and although a part of me wanted to say, I couldn't. That's not fair to him at all. This is something he loves, who am I to take that from him? I'm already causing him enough grief with my jealousy, I don't need to be the terrible boyfriend who takes him away from what he loves to do.

I haven't seen or hung out with anyone in over a month, maybe two. I think I'm going crazy. ::sigh:: I think because I've sort of dropped my friends, I've been hanging onto Davey even more. I don't think I've ever managed to get a grasp on my life. And when I thought I did, I went and holed myself up inside and turned everyone into the enemy. I don't know what to do anymore.

Life is good.

Me'Shell Ndegeocello - Leviticus: Faggot

Faggot better run learn to run 'cuz daddy's home
His sweet lil' boy just a little too sweet
Every night the man showed the faggot what a real man should be
The man and the faggot will never see
For so many can't even perceive a real man Tell me

Not that the faggot didn't find a woman fine and beautiful
He admired desired their desires
He wanted love from strong hands
The faggot wanted the love of a man

His mother would pray
Save him, save him, save him from this life

Go to church boy
Faggot you're just a prisoner of your own perverted world
No picket fence acting like a bitch that's all he sees ain't that what faggot means
No love dreams
Only the favors sweet Michael performed for money to eat
'Cause the man kicked the faggot out the house at 16
Amen mother let it be
Before long he was crowned QUEEN for all the world to see bloody body face down
The wages of sin are surely death that's what mama used to say
So there was no sympathy

Let he without sin walk amongst the hated and feared and know true trial and tribulations
See my dear we're all dying for something searchin' and searchin'
Soon mama found out that god would turn his back on her too

Save me save me from this life
I pray to my Lord above save me they say you're the way the light

Obviously, this song doesn't exactly apply to me word for word, but it's still a really powerful song that I found that took me a long time before I was able to actually listen to it without bursting into tears.

My dad didn't "show me what a real man should be" or anything. My parents kicked me out and disowned me at 22, not 16. I didn't whore myself out. Thankfully, I didn't have it that terrible but... it's still a really emotional song for me to listen to.

The Letter A
Are you available? Nope, happily taken
What is your age? 25
What annoys you? I don't know. Not much really

The Letter B
Do you live in a big house? I guess Davey's house is pretty big, yeah
When is your birthday? Feb. 5
Who is your best friend? Davey, Syn, Shaant, and Will

The Letter C
What's your favorite candy? I'm not a huge fan of candy but I like mints
Who's your crush? No one
When was the last time you cried? In Ukiah after I ran into my parents

The Letter D
Do you daydream? No, not really
What's your favorite kind of dog? Labrador Rottweiler mixes
What day of the week is it? Saturday

The Letter E
How do you like your eggs? Over easy
Have you ever been in the emergency room? Yeah, a few times. The last time was when Jade and I fought and Davey got hit by a car.
What's the easiest thing ever to do? Run away and take the easy way out

The Letter F
Have you ever flown in a plane? Yes, but I hate it
Do you use fly swatters? No, they don't do shit
Have you ever used a foghorn? Haha, no, they're obnoxious

The Letter G
Do you chew gum? Not often
Are you a giver or a taker? Giver, I like to think
Do you like gummy candies? Sometimes

The Letter H
How are you? I'm okay
What color is your hair? Brown

The Letter I
What's your favorite ice cream? Gold Medal Ribbon, it's vanilla and chocolate with caramel
Have you ever ice skated? Yes
Do you play an instrument? Drums

The Letter J
What's your favorite jelly bean brand? I don't know, there's more than one?
Do you wear jewelry? The necklace Davey gave me

The Letter K
Who do you want to kill? No one
Do you want kids? Someday, yes
Where did you go for kindergarten? Ukiah

The Letter L
Are you laid back? Yes
Do you lie? No, I don't think so

The Letter M
Whats your favorite movie? Fight Club
Do you still watch Disney movies? Not on my own accord
Do you like mangos? Yeah, they're good

The Letter N
Do you have a nickname? Ad, Addy
What is your real name? Adam Carson
Whats your favorite number? I don't have one
Do you prefer night over day? Hm, for the most part, yeah.

The Letter O
What's your one wish? I don't know whether to wish for my parents to accept me for who I am and to love me like they used to, or to wish for Davey and me to together forever.
Are you an only child? Yeah

The Letter P
What one fear are you most paranoid about? Davey cheating again
What are your pet peeves? People who chew with their mouths open, bad teeth.
What's a personality trait you look for in people? Easy going, approachable

The Letter Q
What's your favorite quote? "A man who is "of sound mind" is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key." - Paul Valéry
Are you quick to judge people? No

The Letter R
Do you think you're always right? Not always, no
Are you one to cry? Generally, no

The Letter S
Do you prefer sun or rain? Sun
Do you like snow? Yeah
What's your favorite season? Spring

The Letter T
What time is it? 5:15
What time did you wake up? 8
When was the last time you slept in a tent? I don't remember... high school?

The Letter U
Are you wearing underwear? Yes
Underwear or boxers? Boxer briefs

The Letter V
What's the worst veggie? Brussel sprouts
Where do you want to go on vacation? Anywhere in the world? I think... Italy

The Letter W
What's your worst habit? Smoking
Where do you live? Chimera, with Davey
What's your worst fear? Losing him

The Letter X
Have you ever had an x-ray? Yeah
Have you seen the x-games? No
Do you own a xylophone? No

The Letter Y
Do you like the color yellow? No
What's one thing you yearn for? ...

The Letter Z
Whats your zodiac sign? Aquarius
Do you believe in the zodiac? No
Favorite zoo animal? Monkeys

So yesterday, I was at the cafe, minding my own business, on my laptop, and Shaant came in. It was really weird at first, we haven't seen each other since before I left for Ukiah, but we got to talking and eventually we went back to his place and started drinking and played I Never for some time. We got really, really drunk and went out to a club and ran into Syn and Matt.

We drank some more and somehow, Shaant and I ended up beating on each other. Then Syn and Matt ended up fighting too. I'm surprised we didn't get thrown out.

After a while, Shaant and I left and we shared a cab. It dropped me off at home first. I managed to get inside without making too much noise and waking Davey up. I think I almost stepped on Kiwi though. I almost starting crying because I thought I crushed her but then I realized it was a balled up pair of socks.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

I haven't updated in a while, but what do you say when every thing's going well? Davey's house felt like home the second I moved in. And the kitten he brought home, Kiwi? I love that little girl to death now. She's our little baby.

For the most part, Dave and I fell into the swing of things and everything's like before, even though we're still a little cautious around each other sometimes.

And we haven't had sex yet. I think I'm going to explode.

I've been quite the hermit lately, staying inside with Davey and Kiwi. I should try and remedy that and see some of my friends. Or you guys come find me, whatever. Syn, Will, Shaant, find me?

I sang this to him the other night on the phone. I meant it.

I don’t even know where to begin.

He’s my everything. My life. My soul. My breath. My heart. My eyes. My skin. My family. My best friend. My everything. Everything I have is his, and everything he has is mine. Our hearts beat as one.

I’m moving into his house. I’ve never felt more sure about anything than saying yes to him. Everything bad that’s happened with us has only made us stronger and we’re only better for it.

Why the fuck did I ever come back to Ukiah?

I was so afraid I’d run into my parents that I didn’t leave the hotel unless Davey absolutely forced me to, and now, he went to the hospital to visit his dad, and I was alone in the hotel. I really wanted some beer, but everything at the bar in the hotel was way too expensive so I decided I’d run to the supermarket and buy a case. I figured I’d be quick and everything would be fine, what was the chances I’d see anybody?

Apparently, there was a great chance, because who the fuck did I run into? My fucking parents! I was walking down the bread isle, and I bumped into this man’s cart and I apologized and the man turns around and it was my dad! He looked surprised for a split second and then his face got all hard and his eyes went squinty and he hissed at me, “What the fuck are you doing back here faggot? I thought you left for good when I kicked your queer as out.”

I was like a deer caught in headlights and all I could do was stare at him. I was so petrified. The last time I had seen my dad, he beat the living shit out of me and kicked me out of the house.

Then he shoved me and asked what my problem was, why I wasn’t talking. He kind of snarled and said, “I hope you don’t think you can come back home faggot, because I’m not your father anymore. I don’t have a son.”

I could feel the tears in my eyes but I refused to cry in front of him. So I backed up out of the aisle, I just wanted to get out of there, get as far away from him, from that story, from Ukiah as possible. But then I crashed into somebody and when I spun around, I saw it was my mom. And my instincts made me want to hug her and cry and have my mother make me feel better, but her face, like my dad’s went from that initial state fo shock to that one of disgust and hate.

She sneered at me and told me everything was better now that they’d gotten rid of me, and that I better not be looking to come back. That I was dirty and going to hell and Jesus was just starting to forgive them for my sins.

That’s when I really lost it and I just began sobbing and I ran out of the store like hell. I just ran and ran. I didn’t know where I was running to or how long I was running for, but eventually I found myself at the railroad tracks where I used to run away to when I was younger. Sometimes alone, sometimes with Davey. I would go out there to think, clear my head. I don’t know how long I was there for, but I just cried and cried there for what seemed like forever. I must have been there for a few hours, but by the time I finally headed back to the hotel, it was starting to get dark.

I really hope things went okay with Davey’s dad but I have the sick, terrible feeling they didn’t.

So I'm going back up to Ukiah with Davey for a few days to visit his dad and see what's going on there. He's going to tell them about him being gay. I'm praying that it goes well... I don't want him to have to go through what I went through.

Speaking of, I really hope I don't run into my family while we're in Ukiah. Holy fuck, what if I do?

Maybe I shouldn't go.

No, I have to. For Davey.

This isn't about me. It's about him.

Crap, just please, I don't want to see my family, and I hope Davey's dad will be okay, and his family takes his news well.

Davey and I are together again. He's got to prove to me that I can trust him, but... I think things are getting better, just us talking about it and agreeing to only be with each other, has helped a lot.

I never posted a picture of this when Davey originally gave this to me, but he got me this locket:



With our initials engraved on the inside. Well, the day I found out about him and Jared, I threw it at him and stormed out. He gave it back to me at the beach. I didn't notice how accustomed I had gotten to wearing it, having a part of him with me all the time, until I didn't have it.

Lovely lovely locket love
You could use a little of
Hang a chain around you
You're hangin' too
Hang on a little bit longer

Things were going well for once in my life, and suddenly, everything started going to shit again.

I don't know what going on anymore. Davey cheated on me, I stormed out and we didn't see each other for a few days, and in that time, he did whatever he did with Nils, and I, well, I met Shaant. I'm not going to go into details, but... my jaw aches, whenever I open my mouth too wide my split lip reopens, and I have a bruise on my side about as big as a size 13 shoe, and I get hard whenever I think about how I got them.

Then, Davey came around and I took him back, and he goes and lies to me, saying Nils raped him, but then later telling me he was just lying, but he and Nils really did do some stuff. Fuck, I don't know if I can forgive him for that. Who the fuck lies about being raped?

Whatever... I don't know. I have so much fucking shit to deal with. I have to try and figure out a way to forgive Davey for everything he's done, forgive myself for everything I've done, and try and forget whatever I feel for Shaant.

I don't even know what to say anymore. Whatever I say is going to upset somebody, whether it be Davey or Shaant, so maybe I shouldn't bother writing anything else in my journal.

Are we just the world's most perfect pair?

What's going on here? When did everything in this town become so crazy?

All I know is, it can gets as crazy as it wants, but Davey and I will make it through together. No matter what.

I can't believe he'd do this to me...

Seriously. I was so fucking afraid he'd do this, but he promised, over and over, that he wouldn't, that everything would be fine, that I could trust him. And like an idiot, I did.